@TravLeBlanc The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
@stephenjmolloy Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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@TravLeBlanc 
@girlontapas My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
@skittle624 When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
@ARandomdummy My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
@DaddyJew Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
@marcusthetoken Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
@Token_Geezer So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
@POTerritory Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
@thetits HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
@MarfSalvador [fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then