The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then