Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Husband of the year 😂
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.