Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
They’re called werewolves.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain