Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.