Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.