Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”