MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You Might Also Like
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing