Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
*ernest hemingway voice*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind