MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition