*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
how was your vacation
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel