[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“I wouldn’t.”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot