mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.