[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*