muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”