[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

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The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.


My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.


Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.


THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!



Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”


Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart


Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.