@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

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@impaulmccoy

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

@Bizarro_Mark

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

@exceptions

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

@StanHels1ng

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

@AdamBroud

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

@Tbone7219

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.