[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
What personal space?
My dog
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?