Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Best mom ever 😂
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.