MUM š³
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50ās gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, donāt u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, youāre such a gentleman
Itās not that I donāt care about your opinion but everyone has one. Theyāre everywhere. You canāt walk without tripping on one. Theyāre falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
when you kill a mosquito someone elseās blood is probably on your hands.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
kids are oblivious to everything but let āem find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I canāt spell and he isnāt proud.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him ācan I ask you somethingā and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If my neighbor doesnāt want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your āmagical servicesā to any more customers, Iāll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: Youāre still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from momās spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
No one:
Me trying to remember the personās name I just met as theyāre still talking:
Iāve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. āI donāt want to see you anymore,ā I whisper.