Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.