Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.