Mummies are just super modest zombies
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*