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We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
new shirt idea
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.