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hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat