Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.