Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
You Might Also Like
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.