Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
You Might Also Like
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now