Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
You Might Also Like
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?