Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
#CoronaOutbreak
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*