“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.