Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
This made me chuckle.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …