[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
NASA has no chill
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳