[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
You Might Also Like
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
You deplete me
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”