@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

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@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@DannyZuker

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

@ScottLinnen

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

@JefeJK47

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@Tmoney68

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

@JohnLyonTweets

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

@joe_binkley

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

@ohhelloitsmax

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

@lovemydogduck

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???