[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded