Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
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I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
The only good comments section online is on recipes
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Seek kebab; not attention
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.