Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
You Might Also Like
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
we’re gonna need another temp
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.