murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”