[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.