MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.