murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu