Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.