murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty