MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!