murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon π
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now letβs do a silly one
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Iβm an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Positives about working from home:
– Thereβs no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I donβt leave the house
– Iβve started talking to the cat.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anythingβor they might take everything. – BM
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , Iβd be scared.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I dunno when it stopped, but Iβm kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if youβre scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. Itβs been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Youβre not with Greenpeace, Kyle, youβre doing Community Service.