Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.