Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
You Might Also Like
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝