Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?