Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?