Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Netflix: We have Less
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“What movie?” 🤔
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music