Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Spa day..😅
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!