museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Möther may I have a snäck
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Practicing safe sax
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket