[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
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Saturday
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”