Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.