Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Oh boy, $150,000!
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips